In love with a narcissist… this is what it's like…
This is really just notes for my personal collection to assist with recovery, but narcissistic abuse is pretty rampant, and not just in romantic relationships, so I figured I would share my notes here as well. This is just material I pulled that I felt particularly resonated with the situation that I got out of.
To be without narcissistic supply (attention) is the difference between emotional life and death for a narcissist. The narcissist’s internalized wounds often resulting from the unhealed wounds sustained from the mother (or sometimes the father or other authority figures) are relentless. These are the ‘voices’ that continually tell the narcissist ‘you are no good’, ‘you are worthless’, ‘you are a total failure in life’, ‘you don’t deserve to exist’.
The narcissist does not have the resources to deal with, process or heal this inner terminal self-degradation, because he or she dismissed the True Self and created a False Self in its place.
This False Self is pathological – it is false. And through this faux self which requires constant stimulation and reinforcement of the narcissist’s grandiose version of himself (to escape inner constant torment) people are needed to feed this fake construction.
Normal life disappointments can be processed by people who are non-narcissists with relative ease. A narcissist does not have the inner mechanics to deal with ‘disappointments’ ‘set backs’ or the confronting of his or her ‘reality’ – that he or she is in fact imperfect and not the grandiose false version that is presented to the world.
Constant narcissistic supply is necessary to avoid him or herself, as a bottomless and never-ending quest to escape dealing with the emotional annihilation of what the narcissist really feels about him or herself.
Needy people are often very unskilled at the art of persuasion and romance, and may be very off-putting in their advances. It has often been said neediness is the worst cologne – and this is very true. ‘Normal’ needy people often don’t secure love relationships quickly because people are repelled by their shaky advances.
The narcissist is a completely different ball game. He or she is the most needy of all the needy people (requiring narcissistic supply like a heroin addict requires heroin), and his or her literal emotional survival has depended on acquiring narcissistic supply.
Therefore the narcissist has been able to intricately learn and perfect the craft of how to secure narcissistic supply – quickly, flawlessly and expertly. Narcissists appear to be very confident, and very much ‘in their power’ when romancing and wooing you.
The start of a love bombing episode with a narcissist is TOTAL idealisation. Valuable and consistent sources of narcissistic supply are necessary for the narcissist to escape into his or her magical world again of being adored, special, unique and ‘wonderful’.
When a narcissist decides a love partner is a valuable source of narcissistic supply – he or she will completely overrate, idealise this person and put them on a pedestal.
In the narcissist’s pathological landscape this offers the ‘greatest bang for buck’, that he or she has secured the most intelligent, creative, good looking, amazing, wealthy, resourceful or incredible source of supply possible.
The narcissist convinces him or herself (narcissist’s have incredible child-like imaginations) how INCREDIBLE this source of supply is.
This is how the narcissist highly values the narcissistic supply he or she has just ‘won’.
Inevitably the initial adoring comes at a very high price for the person who has been secured for narcissistic supply, and the fall, the devaluing is imminent – when the False Self is not being fed exactly what it requires – and the previously adored partner will be devalued and discarded.
This will always happen, because any critique, ‘slight’ real or imagined, or differing opinion undermines the narcissist’s grandiose version of self and is interpreted as the narcissist as a complete attack and possible annihilation on his or her precarious emotional foundation.
Once narcissistic supply has dried up, or the narcissist is confronted too often with his tormented inner self, without ‘the right’ narcissistic supply from you as relief, the narcissist has the ability to switch relationships quickly, just as he or she can completely change jobs, lifestyle and communities. All source of narcissistic supply which are not cutting the grade are dispensable.
Someone who moves very quickly to secure you into a relationship and / or a sexual connection is not someone who is sensible or mature themself and is not being mindful about the long term implications of a relationship.It is obvious they are also not concerned with empathy for you – in regard to the long term consequences of a relationship.Such as ‘I don’t want to rush things before I am really sure, and play with this person’s heart and emotions. I want to be really sure, so I don’t unnecessary hurt this person or myself.’
Anyone who puts their heart on their sleeve immediately, or asks you for a committed relationship after one date (or even a few), or starts showering you with intense and incredible compliments straight away is VERY suspect.This is NOT what normal healthy adults do.
The narcissist is a chameleon. He or she is able to mould, shape-shift and become anything that you want him or her to be. The narcissist has no real dreams, passions, preferences and certainly no real human values. Everything that the narcissist has crafted in his or her life has been for one reason only which is to secure narcissistic supply.
This is why so many people report that the narcissist seemed to have the exact same viewpoints, goals, future dreams, values and aspirations as themselves. All of this was false, the narcissist actually has no identity for him or herself, the narcissist steals identities to know he or she exists.You need to know the narcissist is a pathological liar. If he or she is speaking, or writing an email or text you have absolutely no way to know whether or not the information is a lie. The narcissist is engulfed by an all pervasive False Self – which means this person is a phony – through and through.
What you can be sure of is every statement the narcissist makes – true or false (which is totally irrelevant to the narcissist) – is driven by the all-consuming need to acquire and contain narcissistic supply.
The truth is narcissists aren’t worried about all the details of a long-term relationship. A narcissist is simply concerned with securing narcissistic supply as quickly as possible.For some reason you fit this bill. You have great positive energy – which the narcissist can drain, you are attractive and intelligent – which is a good fit for the narcissist’s ego to show off, you fall for the narcissist’s charms – which means you will easily provide the narcissist with sex, you are successful and have resources – which the narcissist can start extracting from you…and the list goes on and on.These are the things that make the narcissist exert his or her pathological laser like focus to do whatever it takes to secure you into a relationship – and as quickly as this ca
n take place.Being a narcissist and securing reliable and steady sources of narcissistic supply is exhausting, and his or her energies must secure a payoff and quickly.
For the narcissist it is about filling the need now, and making you as dependent as possible of him or her, so that he or she can extract narcissistic supply for as long as the narcissist chooses to.
Subconsciously (at least) narcissists know their relationships fall apart and are doomed to fail. Therefore the long view is not important.
In stark contrast narcissists will forge ahead, put it all on the line with love bombing and even when you tell them you are not ‘where they are at yet’ (if you aren’t) will carry on love bombing, telling you they have a right to declare their undying love, and don’t respect or hear that you may need some time to catch up to their feelings of ‘love’ (which appears to be ‘real’ but of course isn’t).This is one of the surest ways you know you are with a narcissist. He or she will not back off on the love bombing if you don’t feel the same way.The ‘romantic’ gestures, statements, text messages still continue and may even intensify.Then if you don’t cave in to it, they may try to bully you, guilt you, confuse you, appeal to your compassion, frighten you (with threats of abandonment) or use another manipulative tactic to force you into succumbing.
You see a narcissist likes to win. He or she does not want to exert the force of love-bombing without securing the prize. To not win constitutes an enormous narcissistic injury. If it can’t be achieved by love-bombing, then cruel manipulation may ensue.
A non-narcissistic person, if they really wanted to develop a healthy relationship with you, would willingly back off, give you some time and respect ‘where you are at’.A narcissist certainly won’t.
Beware of someone asking you intense inner and personal questions.Beware of the words “I want to know everything there is to know about you”.This is a definite red flag especially when coupled with love bombing.Narcissists enmesh, they ensnare, engulf and bond intensely and quickly. Any information derived from you is to know how best to control you as a source of narcissistic supply. And the narcissist will use this information mercilessly in the future to exact punishment on you when you are not maintaining his or her False Self sufficiently.What you will find out down the track is just how important narcissistic supply is, and how unimportant you are in comparison.
You will discover the narcissist will lie, cheat and use any pathological method to get it and secure it. You will discover that when the narcissist is no longer having his or her ego stroked by you, that the brand of narcissistic supply will now become how much the narcissist can affect you, create fear, paranoia and pain within you, (negative attention serves the narcissist the same as positive attention) – this is when the narcissist will use projection to label you as all the things that he or she does not take responsibility for (lying, adultery, abuse, selfishness, manipulation, etc).Where does ‘love’ come in to it now?
It doesn’t – the fact is it never did.
You will also discover that the narcissist will not hesitate to replace you with other sources of narcissistic supply, or seek ones out on the side if the drug you are providing is not up to scratch. (And it never can be consistently because the pathological False Self is never sufficiently appeased for any durable length of time).
Please understand a love relationship with a narcissist is merely an illusion, it was never real, and it is never going to be.